A letter to Music

February 14, 2021

Dear Music,

It's been a long time.

A long time since I closed off my heart to you. A long time since I built walls and barricades to protect myself. A long time since numbing out felt a lot easier than facing it all. 

Fear had completely engulfed my life, it's vast blackness shutting out any light desperate to shine through the cracks. Every morning I woke up brimming with anxiety, my fear of failure and not enough-ness spilling out of me in a jittery mess. 

I'd been set up. A cruel joke, another concert pianist on the production line. I was imprisoned in my own mind, a forceful power haunting my waking hours. I wondered whether I ever really chose you in the first place. I felt completely lost. 

I needed to cut myself off from you, to break the chains and snap out of the fear-fuelled trance. But now some time has passed, I realise I've been closing the door to the very thing I need to heal. 

I remember you, my long lost friend. I remember why I fell in love with you, how much joy and good feeling you bring. You taught me how to feel, a wise teacher, a guide through many twists and turns. 

With the gates of self-expression reopened, I’m learning how to feel again. My soul gently sighs, relief washing over me. 

It’s a funny thing, paradox... because you see, Music - you destroyed me and saved me. The very thing that dragged me into darkness is showing me the way back into the light. 

And that's what it feels like. I'm coming home, not to who I thought I was but to who I really am. Unlike it's shaky foundations of the past, this house is solid and safe. It’s doors swing open wide like out-stretched arms, ready to embrace every part of who I am. And the best thing about this new home? It's a place where music is an expression of who I am, rather than a yard-stick for my self worth. A safe haven, where I can truly be myself and can always, always return to.

In the words of Selena Gomez, I needed to lose you to find me. 

I am finally coming home. 

Yours, with love
Alicia x

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